Silent House

Is it horrible that I cry because I do not want to be home?

Home is supposed to be a place where you do not have to feel self-conscious or worry about what you say. I'm not saying that my home is a bad place, it is just not the right place for me.

I am fortunate enough to have two parents who love me. I am not abused, or neglected, and they do the best they can to provide for us. We are a typical middle class family who are fortunate enough to say that we have done well.

I cry because I cannot speak. When I am with friends I can say what I feel and they either agree or disagree and we know that we all have different opinions and respect that. At home I cannot say what I feel because my family cannot understand that my opinion may be radically different than theirs. My parents tell me to "just bite your tongue" when I am around the other one. It shouldn't be this way.

Both of my parents talk to me and tell me things that they do not tell each other, then I am supposed to keep all of this information bottled up for them. I am simply an outlet for their frustrations, worries, problems, and thoughts; and it is killing me. My mental state is slowly unraveling and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I can feel myself losing control of my mind and it scares me. I am barely getting by in my own life and with my own worries and frustrations, I cannot handle theirs too. I cannot tell them to leave me alone because they are my parents, but I cannot live this way anymore. I can't.

Honesty Honestly

We are always told to be honest. We have it drilled into our brains when we are children. We are told that it is always best to be honest.

This is a LIE.

People always say that they want the honest truth, but they cannot handle it. Even if they say they can handle the truth no matter what it is deep inside they know they really can not. People only want the truth if they feel that it would benefit them by knowing. However, people typically settle for not knowing out of fear of knowing. People would rather face the lie and live through it than have to deal with the possibility of a disappointing truth. No person can truly handle pure honesty without having regrets about knowing the truth.

Translation Frustration

Do you ever feel like someone wants to say something to you, start a conversation even, but they do not know how or where to start?

I am not typically the type of person to start conversations. I like when other people start conversations with me; however, in some instances I start the conversations (usually only if we are friends and talk at least once every day). I am not one of those people who acts better than others or ignores the world, and when people talk to me I am really friendly. I enjoy talking to people, but if I need to be serious and am in a situation where I need to get work done then I usually put conversing in the back of my mind.

I am getting off the topic I wanted to talk about. There are two specific people who I feel want to say something to me, but never do. They always look at me -- and not the typical way people just glance around at everyone -- and we always make some sort of awkward eye contact. Everytime I look around and they happen to be there, they are always looking in my direction. At first I thought they were just looking in the same general direction that I was in, but when we started making eye contact more and more frequently I realized they were staring at me. 

They always look like they want to talk, to blurt something out when they see me, but then they think twice and by that time I am usually gone or one of their friends gets their attention. They are always talkative and friendly with everyone else, but they lose their vocal abilities when it comes to me.

Maybe I am being paranoid or over-thinking this. Maybe it really is all in my head. Maybe it is just me.

Education Evaluation

School is pointless.

Do not let anyone else tell you otherwise. We waste so much of our time in school and for the majority of us, we never use what we learned. Yes, people in the health services fields (doctors, psychiatrists, etc.) do use what they learn in school, but not all of it. What do those people use World History or Algebra for? When you are a Pre-law major in college you have no use in your career for biology or maths in general, but those classes are still required to graduate. An unbelievable amount of money goes into the education system, but it goes to waste on a system that is filled with unnecessary "filler classes" that are taken not as an aid but as a way to meet a school requirement.

A simple solution to this would be to have fewer required general courses, and instead focus more on particular career pathways. If a person is going into a particular field have classes that they would actually benefit from as their required curriculum, not these numerous amounts of "filler classes."

Besides that a degree today in any major does not really hold up as much weight as it used to. Employers today would easily choose a person with experience and an associates degree than a person with a masters and no experience. These degrees that are held to such high standards and praise are not worth the time and effort that is put into them.

It is actually quite sad.

Think Before You Speak

A person in class said, "Stupid people just shouldn't talk."
My response was, "Well then why are you talking."

I dislike when people contradict themselves within a short amont of time. I dislike when people contradict themselve in general, but it is worse when it is within a short amount of time. If it takes a while for them to become contradicting there is always the possibility that their views had changed in that length of time; however, if they contradict themselves in the same sentence they make themselves look like fools.

I also did not agree with the person's statement because what they deem as stupid may be interesting and refreshing to another person. While this person is typically the "social butterfly" type of person, their attitude really does not gain them people who trust or want to be around them for long periods of time. I tolerate being around this person because I have a class with them, but I never make an effort to connect with them outside of the class. This person does talk to many people, but the other people are often not with this person for long times during the day.

Day One

I like to keep my windows open. It makes it seem as though I am not as confined to this room as I really am.

I like to close my windows at dusk. It keeps the bugs that awaken at night out of my room and off of my mind.

I like when random people start random conversations with me when I am at the window. They see me either opening or closing it and they shout up to me. Sometime they simply say "Hey" other times they ask about my day.